People with a penis “feel pressure to keep erections and get their partners off,” she says, while people with a vagina “feel like they need to orgasm even if they fake it.”
More: Why the Pleasure Gap Is a Gender-Equality Issue
Don’t lose hope
If you and your partner (or just one of you) isn’t having the amount of sex you’d like, it’s important to try to fix it. It may be a tough topic to bring up; it may feel labor-intensive, or you may be afraid of hurting your partner’s feelings. But Castellanos says she always encourages her clients to talk about the issue in a loving way instead of coming from a place of “blaming and judgment.” It’s important to let your partner know you would like to make a positive change and move forward.
It’s also important to note that sex does not only mean penis-in-vagina intercourse. Many couples engage in other acts, such as oral sex, masturbation or the use of sex toys. While they might not be having penetrative sex, they still have an intimate, active sex life.
Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner to determine what type of sex life you have. “How a couple decides they like to share their sexuality is up to them and doesn’t need to be defined by population surveys,” Castellanos adds.
